So yesterday I went on a first date with someone from the dating website I am using. This will be my second in person date with someone from the website in just under a year. None of this matters. Why am I typing it?
So, I get to the meetin’ place early (OCD IN THE HOUSE) and he ends up calling to say he will be late and that is fine because I am sitting in the warm sun on the patio enjoying an adult beverage and TOTALLY into my phone so as not to feel stoopid sitting there alone with two menus on the table.
Suddenly I hear…well mostly it sounded like a cross between a grunt a bark and growl and feel someone’s presence near me.
My brain thinks, OH! This is the boy being funny (because he is funny, I would not have agreed to met him if he wasn’t) (there goes clarification again WTF??) so I whip my hair around put on my 1000 watt smile and come face to face with… a shitfaced homeless man.
I immediately try to not change my face to abject terror and I am sure if someone were to capture the moment on film, within seconds of realizing that this is NOT MY DATE I probably had the same slack-jawed/dead-eyed countenance as him. ALTHOUGH I can most assuredly tell you that I did NOT SMELL LIKE HIM. It was a mixture of sauerkraut (that had been left in the AZ sun for the entirety of July and fecal matter (of a Sasquatch) and an undertone of either urine or Mad Dog Grape. Lovely, really. OMG.
Naturally I recover quickly, do a terse re-smile and promptly bury my face back into my phone with my hand over the side of my face nearest him. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t make a sound. Just stands there for what seemed like an eternity staring at me. Then suddenly he makes the chupacabra noise again. Oh ok buddy, NOW I AM PREPARED FOR YOU AND YOUR CABBAGE PATCH PANTS.
But, before I can go into urban bitch mode* my brain flashes to those TV Shows with hidden cameras and people gettin PUNK’D ™ just like this. OMG SOMEONE IS FILMING THIS AND I AM GOING TO COME OFF AS AN ASSHOLE. (nevermind that there are servers and patrons all over this patio just WATCHING THE SCENE INSTEAD OF RESCUING THIS FAIR URBAN MAIDEN). Ahem. So I politely smile again and look him in the eye that was focusing on me and raise an eyebrow.** He slurs some sort of alien speak and I politely say “WUT?” and then he manages to convey that he would like to know if I smoked?
Ugh, I reach in my purse and hand him a cigarette, trying VERY HARD not to notice that there is filth and probably MRSA and most definitely GERMS. I hold the very tippy tip of one end of this ciggie while his hand goes around in circles trying to grab it. (again, A LITTLE HELP HERE MALE SPECIES OF THIS PATIO? NO? Fine) . I finally have to just let it go hoping the trajectory is right. NOPE. Damn thing falls to the ground. He is on the other side of the little fence, so while I stare at the smoke on the ground (making little ‘eep eep’ noises) he is already flat on the sidewalk pawing through the slats to get to it.
Ever see a zombie film? I have.
At this point (STILL NO HELP FROM ANY OF THESE BASTARDS) I hop my ass off the stool bend down and grab the smoke and try again with the circus act. It finally works. WHEW! done!
Except, no. Not done. AM DONE NOW. Nuh uh missy! NOW he wants to chit chat.
Stinky: Why you so nice to me? Me: It’s just a cigarette! Stinky: NO IT’S NOT! Me: (really?) Sure it is! no worries! Stinky: Mom my died. Me: oh, well that is not good (NOT GOOD? ok I am an asshole I don’t care..film me) Stinky: Mutter mutter, drool. Stare.
I resume my “I cant see you stance” (not before glaring intently at 3 persons who are enjoying this little fucking show) and he finally leaves.
My date showed up just as the cab the manager called for him is pulling away. (big ups to the cabbie because there is NO WAY that smell is coming out of your cab buddy). And no host(s) come out of the crowd to congratulate me on being so nice and would I like my own tv show? ***
*a.k.a – avoidance or stern glaring
**ok both, because I cant do that one eyebrow thing AUGH.